5 {4} Ghosts From The Great Divorce

I’m changing up 5 Things For Friday this week. I’m only going to list 4. I thought about trying to force a fifth element, but for the context of the post I wouldn’t be right in doing so.

I have a new favorite book. Knocking Philip Yancey’s Disappointment with God out of it’s top spot (for years now) is C.S. Lewis’ novel The Great Divorce. The Great Divorce is a short story that seriously challenged my notions of Christian behavior and ideas I had about my character. The story involves a narrator (Clive), taking an account of what he saw in the afterlife. After death ghosts have the choice to enter the foothills of heaven and if they so choose, with the help of a specter sent down from heaven to greet them, may begin the journey up to the mountains (heaven itself).

The story focus on not the journey, but rather the characters of the ghosts and what make them choose to press on toward heaven, or choose to leave the foothills. I saw a little of myself in many of these characters. Here are my 4.

4. The Artist

The Artist, during his life, was a famous painter of some prestige. He chose not to continue his journey and left the foot hills of heaven. He couldn’t come to terms with the idea that once entered into heaven, whatever fame he might have had from his paintings would be stripped away. He would still be allowed to paint, and encouraged to do so, but the painting would be admired for the beauty that they portrayed, not because of the skill in which the artist used creating it. At some point in his life the artist became so in love with the act of painting itself, he lost his appreciation for the messages the paintings could convey.

I see this in my own life with my website. Though I am a far cry from anything famous, the hobby of keeping my website updated has me dangerously close to loving the medium more than the message.

I am a geek at heart, and I enjoy tinkering with code and content. Make fun of me if you will, but this is my hobby. I also enjoy studying spiritual and philosophical ideals. I used to keep my reading and notes personal and private, but since my bout with cancer I’ve been becoming ever more public with the thoughts in my head. I decided that I would begin sharing these on my blog if for anything else than for my own archival purposes. But if I could communicate something to someone else in the process, great.

Something started to change in me not long after I began doing this. I found myself slowing looking at study ,not as a means of personal and spiritual growth, as a means of producing content for my website. I wouldn’t call this necessarily evil, but if I am gaining knowledge for the sake of reproducing it in any medium, and not let it consistently be changing me into something better than I am, I’ve gained nothing.

3: The Ghost And The Lizard

“It would be better to be dead than live with this creature.”

One ghost had a lizard perched on his shoulder. The lizard consistently whispered lies and negativity into the ghosts ears. The ghost did not enjoy having this constant companion, but he had obviously grown comfortable with him and knew of no way to silence him.

An angel approached the ghost and asked, “Would you like me to kill him?” The ghost argued back and forth with the angel. He obviously wanted the lizard gone but could not bring himself to give the angel permission to remove the nuisance. Finally he cries out,”Why don’t you just kill him without telling me and be done with it!”. The angel responded “I need your permission” and further tries to get the ghost to see past his own comfort zone ensuring that he would not be killed in the process of killing the lizard. “I never said it wouldn’t hurt.”

Ultimately, the ghost gives his approval of the death of the lizard and endures the painful process of having it killed. The carcass of the lizards is then transformed into a horse that the now freed ghost can use to aid him on his journey into the mountains.

The lizard can represent a host of elements for me. Everything from people I associate with to activities I take part in. These elements aren’t beneficial to my spiritual well being, but I’ve grown comfortable with them and I’m feel not ready to give up just yet. Without the perspective of eternity it is hard to overcome my feelings and image a net gain by giving up such comforts, but I would like to believe in the long run, giving up what is negative but what I’ve grown comfortable with will provide me with assistance in my journey.

2: The Dwarf-Ghost and the Tragedian.

The dwarf ghost is unique in the way that his communication is done through a tragedian that he holds onto via a chain and collar. The tragedian is not the ghost, but rather the manifestation of the dwarf’s thoughts though the eyes of self pity. The more the dwarf allowed the tragedian to communicate on his behalf the smaller he became, to the point where his disappears all together and the tragedian is all that remained.

He is met on the foothills by a specter that was his wife in life. She is anxious to see her husband, but in order for him to go up to the mountains with her, he has to let go of the ideas that life wasn’t fair to him. Despite her honest efforts she is unable to convince him that just because he isn’t needed in heaven does not mean he isn’t wanted. When the dwarf is full absorbed into the tragedian and she is left alone with him, he response is, “I don’t believe I know you sir.” All that was left of her husband was consumed.

I’ve spent a fair amount of my life behaving in this way. I would try to hold people hostage into feeling sorry for me so that I could feel that I was more important than I felt I was. I would actually get upset if other people where happy and I wasn’t. After all, what did they have to be happy about. The book communicates thoughts on this subject better than I can:

Is joy so defenseless against those who would attack it by refusing to have their own will crossed? Joy is stronger than it’s opposites. It will not forever remain at the mercy of people’s disapproval.

Some people would be content to destroy the happiness found in others, that they have rejected for themselves.

Some loveless and self imprisoned people seem to think they can blackmail the happiness of the universe that until they themselves are content to be happy.

The solution to the problem was not that the circumstances would change and I would be happy as a result. The only solution I have is to get my mind off of myself.

1. The Grieving Mother

Upon arriving at the foothills of heaven, the grieving mother is expecting to be met by a child that she had lost. When she is met by someone she is plainly disappointed. The specter that met her told her that her son was waiting for her up in the mountains, but that the journey there would be especially difficult for her because her priorities where wrong. Her love for her son outweighed her love for God and she saw God as only a means to see her son again.

“It’s not fair, you haven’t been a mother!” she yells at her specter. “But that is the problem,” he answers back, “You see yourself as ‘just a mother’. You were a created being first.” After arguing with the specter more about how he just couldn’t understand what she had been through, not only does state she is not willing to make the journey, but demands that he go get her son for her so she can take him to hell with her. She believes she would be happier in hell with her son than making the journey of trying to understand God’s plan in the loss of her child.

The account of the grieving mother obviously deals with loss. And though, God forbid, I have never had to deal with the loss of a child, I have somewhat experienced a loss of my life’s expectations. This was done through getting cancer at the age of 26.

Even though God brought me through it and I am cancer free, I often feel cheated. My friends and family get to continue lives as normal while I’m paying close attention to ever little cough and every little lump or bump that develops on my body. I no longer have the luxury of not paying close attention when I don’t feel good.

Aside from this the effects that the treatment took on my body are every present, most of which will be with me for the rest of my life. The radiation to my chest accelerated my heart rate forcing me to daily take medication slow it down. The side effects of this medication is consistent fatigue. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t feel completely wiped at some point. The chemo radiation that hit my gut have given my stomach a heighten sensitivity to food and drink. Spicy food that I love, I really can’t eat anymore. Wine and alcohol have had to be virtually complete removed from my diet. Even coffee, which I LOVE, will bother me most days, and I’ve cut 90% of soda out of my diet as well. The radiation that hit my neck killed 3 of the 4 saliva glands that help keep my mouth clean. I wake up every morning with my mouth feeling disgusting, and needless to say I have become very ‘un-kissable’.

I understand that I do not have it as bad as some people, but I am still coming to terms with the loss of the life I once had, and there isn’t a day that goes by I am not reminded somehow of it. I would be honest in saying that I deal with a fair amount of depression along side this.

The challenge of comparing myself to the grieving mother is this: though I have every right to be mourning a loss, am I not allowing myself to be healed from it? C.S. Lewis, in a fictitious conversation he has with George MacDonald, explains the importance of this:

Some say of current sufferings ‘no future bliss could ever make up for it’. They say this not knowing that heaven, once attained, will work your life backward and even your worse agony will then been seen as glory. The forgiven man’s sins and sorrows will take on the qualities of heaven. The unforgiven’s past will remain evil and only fill them with weariness. At the end of all things the redeemed will say, ‘we have never lived anywhere but in heaven’, and the lost, ‘we were alway in hell’.

And this, as I honest search for God in my life, so closely relates to another part of the same conversation:

If you are honestly searching for God to reveal himself to you, don’t worry… he will. If you will like it or not when it happens is a completely different question.

I believe God is concerned with our well being on earth, but is not so concerned that it comes at the cost of the state of our souls. Eventually the cancer I fought will be turned to glory. Not to me but for God. Along side this, I am starting to see that the cancer may have been a necessary operation in the fight for my soul. It has produce a growth in me that I can’t say I would have otherwise. I don’t like believe this. I honestly don’t even like writing about it. In some respects, I was searching after God and when I found him, I didn’t like it.